Waxing a lyrical or bedazzling Vajazzling?

I know I am probably hopping on the back of a long since sailed ship here but........ really??????Since WHEN did it become the craze to stick crystals on your FOOF?!?!?

*sound of head dropping onto desk*

First there was just your normal hairy foof.Then there was all manner of waxing, shaving, shaping, pruning, preening, conditioning...Then dying it????Now there are crystals!!. Honestly. I didn't realise that one's foof had to have a fashion sense?!

I mean. I would recoil in horror, if, at the moment when you are pealing off underwear in the midst of the throws of passion, I was to be confronted with a foof do, shaped in a heart, dyed pink, with little crystals stuck to it. Firstly its wrong. And secondly, it would be like rubbing your face in gravel. Pink fluffy gravel. There is not one part of that sentence that sounds right in my head.....

Now. I am not a prude. (well I've got better....) But I don't see how faffing around with the hair down there can make it look any more appealing. You're supposed to have hair down there. It's supposed to be a bit bushy. And yes yes I trim it when appearing in a bikini. Because, well, you just do. But how confusing to be a foof bush these days. And even more confusing for a me?! About a decade ago there was a new craze for giving your down there a bit of a make over. So, I will admit that I trimmed a bit. You know. A little tidy up. Then people started talking about Brazilians, or Landing strips, Or a Hollywood. So. As a very good aspie, I did some research.

Oh..... My.... God. You know when you WISHED you had the filter on your internet search engine set at strict....

Waxing Style and their definitions...

• The Bikini Line: This is the least extreme form. All pubic hair covered by the bikini is left in place. Only straggling hairs on either side are removed, so that none is visible when a bikini with high-cut sides is being worn.
• The Full Bikini: Only a small amount of hair is left, on the Mound of Venus The European: All pubic hair is removed "except for a small patch on the mound".
• The Triangle: All pubic hair is removed except for a sharply trimmed triangle with the central, lower point aimed at the top of the genitals. It has been described as "an arrowhead pointing the way to pleasure".
• The Moustache: Everything is removed except for a wide, rectangular patch just above the hood at the top of the genital slit. This is sometimes called "The Hitler's Moustache", sometimes "Chaplin's Moustache".
• The Heart: The main pubic tuft is shaped into a heart symbol and may be dyed pink. This is a popular style for St. Valentine's Day, presented as an erotic surprise to a sexual partner.
• The Landing Strip: A cultivated pubic hair pattern in which the hair is trimmed to a narrow vertical strip or rectangle, and all other pubic hair is removed. The landing strip starts from anywhere between the natural pubic hairline to within two inches from the top of the vulva, and ends just above the clitoris.
• The Playboy Strip: Everything is removed except for a long, narrow rectangle of hair, 4 cm (1½ inches) wide.

Oh Hells Bells. So let me get this straight (s'cuse the pun.) You visit a salon for a treat. Hop onto the bed thing there, having taken your pants off. Lie on the bed. Expose your genital area to a complete stranger and then allow them to apply hot wax to your genital area, whilst bending you into all sorts of ungainly positions to enable them to rip your hairs out in an eye-watering fashion??? And then let them stick sparkles over whatever is or isn't left. People PAY for this???

You can give me every argument under the sun. But nothing would persuade me that having your entire pubic area waxed makes miss foof look more attractive. You look like a prepubescent girl or a porn star. Neither of which fill me with naughty thoughts! Its not that I didn't attempt this either. I did. My logic was that I wax my eyebrows. Because its quick and easy. So I thought that this would be the same principle for my bikini line. Apply - taunt skin - rip - away you go. So armed with some waxing strips, I took myself to the bathroom to get cracking..... (*smirk*) divested of pants, and having read the instructions, I took one of the wax strips out of the packet. Its about an inch wide. And applied this to the side of my foof. It covered a fair part of the hair. But that's okay. I only intended doing one wax strip either side. So, strip applied, I summed up some courage, grasped the end of the strip, annnnnnnnnnnnnnnd yanked.

Immediately both my eyebrows shot into my hairline.

Then there was a pause and the resultant blood curdling scream from the bathroom that followed was probably heard by some very disturbed neighbours. As was the following stream of expletives yelled at the top of my lungs. It fucking stung like a bitch. I stood there, frozen in mind bending stinging agony, tears streaming down my face, one leg still perched on the side of the bath tub wondering what the fuck I had just done to myself. Slowly, I looked down at my foof which was now gloriously bare of hair, in a perfect one inch strip, on just the right hand side. It looked pretty angry at me which I couldcompletely understand as I had just committed follicular genocide against it. Slowly, and very gingerly, I managed to sit on the closed toilet, taking some very shallow, 'Oooo, Oooo' breaths. Then declared out loud (to no one in particular), 'Who on EARTH would DO that to themselves more than once!!!!' I couldn't bring myself to do the other side. So for weeks I had a lopsided foof. It took an age for it to grow back in. And it isn't the sort of area you can do a comb over with.

Waxing Clearly wasn't the way ahead for me. So I bought a Remington trim n' shape. Which worked fine, until I caught myself with it one day and it delivered a very nasty cut, in a very inconvenient place. But I gave it the benefit of the doubt, and then it jammed one day with my hair caught in it. That went to the great dustbin in the sky. Clearly I am destined to have just a normal downstairs area.

I am COMPLETELY at peace with this. I have no compulsion to look like a decorated plucked chicken. Nor do I feel compelled to have my area trimmed, shaped and dyed like some vaginal topiary. I feel no need to condition it, comb it or fuss with it. It can be a safe haven of un-fashionability because I just don't give a flying fudge monkey.