Sci-Fi. Dear Sci-fi....

You know. We are so influenced by television. And by life around us.

People, places. Things, wants needs in general.

Genres upon genres exist in the televised world., allowing us to peak into the unknown, experience the grandeur, and the wonder. Expand on the mysterious and the taboo. To question, to think, to pick apart, to escape.

Ah to escape. To become immersed in universes so vast, so unquantifiable, that they literally take us on a journey across an expanse so wide, that we are breathless and left wanting much more. This is the world of Sci-Fi.

And it’s one which gathers up the stragglers of society. All those who don’t quite fit. Who don’t feel at home anywhere else and embraces them all regardless of colour, faith, sexuality or disability. It is the ONE place that I have found where barriers seldom exist. It is also a place I come home to. Yes. I am a fully signed up member of the geek parade. The nerds, the outcasts, the weirdos, the left behinders. The ones who didn't gel with the in crowd and had their lunch money stolen. The ones whose head may have been flushed done the loo and were kicked for doing their homework and getting questions right. This is their ground. Their territory. Their home. And it is not one you can easily breach.

And yes there is cos-play or ‘dressing up’ as I have heard it sniggered at many times. You know what? I don’t really care. On a convention weekend I get to run around dressed in black combats, with a screen accurate P90 pretending I am part of SG-1. I feel empowered, and hugely confident, because here I am not an outcast. I am one of the gang. Here the fact that I over explain everything is welcomed and starts HUGE debates on time and chaos theory. On mutliverse and alternate realities.  Debates and conversations that expand the mind and on occasion explode in small arguments. But do they punch you for not liking their favourite character or disagreeing with them? No. Unless they are a dick and you get them everywhere. What’s more likely to happen is you agree to disagree and you both wander off thinking  that YOUR costume is waay cooler anyway.

Ah Sci-Fi dear Sci-fi. Do you know what you did? You saved me.

You saved me when I didn’t realise I needed saving. You see I started watching SG-1. And got heavily into that. And then, got hooked on Samantha Carter played by Amanda Tapping. Carter was nerdy. Awkward and non conformist. Amanda Tapping then did her own show called Sanctuary. And this is truly (mucho cheesiness)  where i found my own Sanctuary. Every episode I would tune in, on the edge of my seat, watching what Magnus was going to do next with her Scooby gang. I was never disappointed. Never let down. This led me to my first convention, where I met the most AMAZING group of people I have ever had the pleasure to know. Suddenly I was not alone. Not by a long shot. Suddenly the fear and feelings I had been hiding and squashing inside me weren't wrong.

I could talk to people about things I would never usually broach the topic on. They listened. They comforted. They gave me their numbers and called me when we all returned home. I went forth from that convention as an ambassador for Sci-Fi. A paid up member of the geek squad, never to cancel my membership.

Because.

It was here, I first set eyes on people comfortable with their sexuality. Who were truly happy with who they were. It was here I realised it was okay. It was at that moment, in 2009 I realised that Living the life I was living would eventually kill me. And that I had a choice.

A hard one. But I had a choice.

I was married. I had harboured feelings for women for years. I had settled down because I was on my third engagement and the guy seemed genuinely nice. Everyone loved him. But on my wedding day I said to my best friend - I can always get divorced? Right? Not the thing to be saying on your wedding day..... So I married. But it never felt right. It never felt natural. I always felt I was acting a part that was never written for me, but for the masses. On paper, I had a loving husband, A wonderful step son, a house, A great job, and massive prospects. But inside. Oh god, I felt like I was drowning in it all.

Sci-fi. You were my escape. My rescue. My balm. And there were SO MANY strong women out there in Sci-Fi. I mean like kicking arse, taking names women. I had a plethora of role models. Each one of them unique. Each one of them strong, but complicated and that was okay. They were decisive, physically fit, healthy minded. I can hear people exploding from here shouting 'THEY ARE ACTING! THEY ARE NOT REAL.' Okay, but let me say to you this. When the acting on screen inspires you to become more than just a participating character in your life and actually step up and live it? In my book, that's pretty real and they are doing a bloody good job.

It is so easy to get lost. To lose yourself in the masses. To become a punch in o’clock, android who supplies what is demanded without thought or spontaneity. To exist without living. So Sci-Fi gave me a Sanctuary. Gave me the chance to find my feet. To hide behind the shadow of characters like Magnus and Gwen from Torchwood whilst I gathered myself for my own battles. To pick some of their strengths and characteristics and make them my own, whilst I figured out who I was, and where I was heading.

They were my shield in a desperate time of need.

Sci-Fi also brought to me my partner. My rock. My Gorjus Girl. One of the singularly most important people in my universe.

When I went into this new wildness; I left my house, my marriage, my job and where I lived and all I took with me was that which  Sci-Fi had loaned me. My shield carried me through some of the roughest times of my life. Telling my family I was leaving my marriage and coming out to my parents, especially my Dad who was terminally ill was HUGELY life altering. Explaining that I was moving to Scotland, relocating into the unknown with the gamble of love being the cards on the table.

Sci-Fi was my shield. By believing, just for long enough that I was as strong as the characters on screen gave me the courage to do this. I broke afterwards for a long time. I healed.  But I look back and think, 'Gosh, was it ME that did all that?' I gave up everything and followed a truth that Sci-Fi had dangled in front of me.

Sci-fi led me to a convention. Where I found myself. Which led me to people who I count as family. To a partner whom I now couldn't be without.

To all those non believers. The piss takers, the mockers. You can laugh. But Sci-fi gave me a light at a time when there was not the flicker of a match to be found. And just before the light in my eyes extinguished itself,  It gave me hope.

I hope you all discover something that allows you to believe you are more than just the sum of your parts. And I hope that the life you are living is the one you chose, and you embrace it with every atom of your soul. That if you are unhappy, something gives you the courage to change it. That you can look in the mirror, meet your eyes, and say, ‘Yes. I have hope.’

Before Sci-fi I was part of the collective.

Now I hear just one voice.

Mine.

Live Long and Prosper.  

xoxox