ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Headesk – kick bin – scream in car – WAIL – growl at people –
ARGH – growl – swear – ARGH – prowl round office – snap at EVERYONE – argh –
cry wildly – growl – mutter – swear – punch wall
If any of you have done this particular activity before you
may know exactly where I am coming from.
Yes. At the moment I have given up smoking. And I say at the
moment with good fecking reason.
I am without doubt, a grumpy, arsey, stressed out thundering
junkie coming off of what feels like a massive high. I am hating EVERY moment
of this. And the normal nice lovely person that I am has moved out, and the
HULK has moved in. I swear there is a faint tinge of green about me.
I want a FAG I WANT A FAG I WANT A FAG!!!!! So badly. I can
imagine it. Oh how I can imagine it. And I swear if one more person who hasn't smoked ever, tells me - oh it's not that bad? - I will hurt them. Viciously, and with great glee! (SEE! SEE! See what I mean?? *flails arms about* I am worried about me!)
My GF is at the point of looking at me in fear every time
she sees me and the cats have started checking the papers for flat shares.
I am wondering why I have done this to myself. The last
time I gave up it wasn't this bad. Then I gave up with my Dad who had been
diagnosed with Lung Cancer. (He died in the end bless him) So you would think
that the first time would have stayed stuck. But I fell off the wagon and
started again after 14 months. BUT THIS TIME – I am practically on my knees with cravings.
Again. I am asking why am I doing this too myself RIGHT NOW!
I have just finished CBT. I have just gotten myself onto an even keel
after battling episodic depression for the last two years. I have just kinda sorted myself out really. SO
WHY OH WHY AM I NOW DESTABILISING MYSELF. PURPOSEFULLY !!! WHY DO I DISLIKE
MYSELF SO MUCH!!!
You can tell I am really Zen with the whole idea of
quitting? It’s just coming off of me in calming blue auroras isn't it?? I am
really snarktastic at the moment. And feel generally quite evil!! Like I have
had a personality transplant overnight.
I get it. Addiction/withdrawal can alter you personally
until the dust settles. I know this. BUT OH MY FECKING DAYS!!! *headesk – headesk* I am fearful
for people around me. And myself a bit. The rage. OH the rage. And the crying! And
the RAGE! I could throw people and plates across the room quite cheerfully at
the moment.
It began thusly.
Recently I had switched to vaping. And had merrily been
doing this for the last 9 weeks! REALLY successfully. I hadn't had one single
real cigarette and was really congratulating myself on doing really well.
DOWNSIDE – turned out I was allergic to PG (propylene
Glycol) which is why I has been feeling horrendous and suffered so many health
problems for the last few months!!! I had started to vape in January, and then
gone full time as I stated about 9 weeks ago. I started to get achy joints,
like you have flu achy joints, constipation or the opposite, my IBS went NUTS,
mood swings, bad skin, weight gain (in fairness that might have been the
cookies), but these symptoms were
fleeting to begin with and then decided to set up camp, and get worse and
worse. I collapsed at work, would get light head at the drop of a hat. Had mad
headaches, Migraines, IBS has been the worst it has ever been, skin very very
bad, feeling sick, unable to digest food properly and generally feeling awful.
One day, I felt so bad I thought there was something s e r i
o u s l y wrong with me. Like I was
dying something wrong with me I felt so horrendous. Then the penny dropped.
OMG. It was the E Cigs. Because it was the only thing I had changed in my
lifestyle. After some research it turns out that a PG allergy can do some
pretty awful things to you. And we don’t really know that much about what these
things have in them and what those chemicals can do to you. The psychological effects
and physical effects. Don’t get me wrong. I think they are a brilliant idea,
but I do STRONGLY agree that they need to be regulated. And fast, before
something horrible happens to someone. SO!!! I decided rather than faffing and switching to VG
(vegetable glycerine) I would just quit whilst I was already seemingly ahead.
Oh. My. Days.
Problem is with vaping, it is super easy to up your nicotine
intake. So I reckon that I had been nicotine dosing super high without really
knowing. You see a Vape stick doesn’t finish. It just carries on. And that is
fine if you don’t happen to have an addictive personality like mine. (Seriously
I got so addicted to Edam and Tomato Ketchup sammichs it was all I would eat
for a year. I wouldn’t recommend it….)
But yes, with an addictive personality you end up very dependent
on vaping. I had a large tendency to sit there in the evening and just vape
away without stopping. Effectively chain smoking without realising it. So not
only were the chemicals probably doing a number on me, but the nicotine would
have been as well.
Long story short, I was practically screwing myself over.
Again.
So . Day 7. I hate you already. I have never wanted to smoke
more IN MY LIFE than right now. I am stressed out to buggery and beyond. AND I
know why.
It is because when we smoke a fag, we mentally take a break
from everything else. We ‘treat’ ourselves to a 5/10minutes down time. And we, over a period of time, associate this with the nicotine in the fags. Because we
believe them to be calming. They aren't at all, it’s all bollocks. Psychologically
I am dependent upon the cancer sticks for that 'out' that they give me during the
day. Because at the moment I am unable to do this for myself. It is
frustrating, because you feel you cannot access that downtime without them.
Like they are the proverbial key to your door locked oasis. That the better
person is lurking behind that door and you have locked yourself out because you
threw away the key.
I get it.
Honestly.
I am just not sure I could give a single ounce of fuck about it all at
the moment!!
Iwantafag iwantafag iwantafag iwantafaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag.
*sigh – slither off chair onto floor*
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