That last goodbye......

Losing someone. Jeebus. Doesn't matter how old or young they are, the impact is that of a meteorite smashing into your once humdrum life at a zillion miles per hour. And don't 'good innings' me or I might slap you.

The world you knew becomes completely lost. A distant entity you can't quite believe was once your reality. Because everything is different now. And the world keeps turning even though you feel everyone should be standing still, as still as you are.

This time of year, (well any time really) it strikes me as so unfair to lose someone. You gear up for Christmas. That magical season. And in the wake of something so awful, it suddenly seems so pointless. I wrote the below, when my Dad shuffled off. And having had some quite tragic news this month, I was reminded of it. It's about that last goodbye.

Sometimes the hardest thing to say,

Is the smallest word you know.

And saying it out loud,

Changes everything you know.

because the waves are crashing in,

And no ones bailing out,

You're down upon your knees,

Because you know it's the final count.

Sometimes the hardest thing to say, is simply this.

Words form a barricade because nothing really fits.

Sometimes the hardest things to say, is simply this.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

And your hearts broken in two,

Every part of you is numb.

And your fingers are in mine,

But slowly they come undone.

And the world is on its head

Because nothing's making sense any more,

And I have no breath left. And no strength to stand at all.....

Sometimes the hardest thing to say, is simply this.

Words form a barricade because nothing really fits.

Sometimes the hardest things to say, is simply this.

Goodbye. Goodbye. - October 2011 KA

I'd say it's a pretty accurate capture of the feelings at the time. I've never performed it live, and I don't think I ever will. But my heart thumps for this family who have lost someone precious. Who maybe lost in that sea of pointlessness I mentioned earlier.

For those lost.......

At that point when you are saying that horrific goodbye. When a word so plain and simply used everyday, takes on this massive gravitas you will wonder how you will ever be able to live with this wound. You will feel it is pointless. And so utterly lost.
You are not lost. And nothing in your existence is ever pointless or hopeless. Your days may feel like they are just not worth the pain of getting through. But they are. A step, a shuffle at a time.

You will survive this wound. Time, although you may not believe it, is a great healer. Your world and you will be forever irreversibly changed. And that is actually okay. You are different because you loved them. And without them, you become something else. Different isn't bad. It is just that. Different.

You cannot seek the path you were on before. Because it no longer exists. And trying to walk it will only hurt you. Accepting the path you are now on is hard, because you never choose to end up there. But you are on it. I often felt I was on a mountain top looking across to where my old mountain was. The desperation to go back was crippling. But i knew I could never return. You learn to accept it. You learn to own it. Because it is your path.

One day, you will say another goodbye. To the same person. But it won't be filled with crushing grief and despair. It will be that moment when you realise that your life has shifted itself around the gap. And although the wound has healed leaving a pink scar, the hole left by the person has been filled in with memories, hope and flowers. Of amazing times, and happy times. And yes, even of how annoying they were.

One day, You will say in your heart, goodbye, as the last clinging of your fingers let's them go, and you stride forward into life unweighed down by the memory of the loss. You will be spurred on instead, by the memory of their love, and the pride of having loved and known them.

One day instead of remembering and feeling sad.
You will remember them, and smile.

Xoxoxo