Tuesday 27 October 2020

2020...The Story so Far?

Well 2020 has sucked hasn't it?

We started off with Australia on Fire, and then someone ate a bat, the world shut down, multiple countries shit themselves at the prospect of TOO MANY post apocalyptic novels coming true, and we all went into lockdown. 


For the extroverts amongst you, it must have been hell on earth. Not being able to do all the outsidey things and social things that you have been used to doing. How you recharge, by being in the presence of others. For us introverts however, it has been a bit of a different journey. I mean, I am a bit of a weird mix. I enjoy the depth of mutual human understanding, but social situations tire me out. In short, I prefer having a few close relationships rather than a MAHOOSIVE circle of friends. I mean, I am a WHIZZ at processing my executive functions, but I simply couldn't juggle that many friends. And kudos to anyone that can do that. Large parties can overwhelm me, and you will often find me, in a kitchen or small cluster somewhere talking in depth about some pretty random shit, because geeks find other geeks. 

I mean pretty much the level of anxiety I run at is about here:- *Puts hand at around eye level*

Anxiety can make me feel indecisive which means I sometimes commit to things to only to cancel at the last minute, which leads to friction, which leads to more anxiety. This can end up being a real issue, when I actually need down time to recharge, but, CONSTANTLY feel the compulsion to get things done or stay on top of things. Busy, is a good short term strategy to distract myself from my anxiety, giving me the (albeit) false sense of being in control....... 

But during a Pandemic? I spent the first few weeks of Furlough sitting and wondering what the fuck I was supposed to do now. With social media & the media pelting me with a mix of terrifying statistics, and the 'if you don't learn ten new languages during furlough, you've wasted your time'. Combined with the lack of an everyday norm routine for this Aspie head, and a GF on the front line as a Paramedic, well. I spent the first three weeks in some sort of depression fog coma thing. I had to regress back to my mantra of WASH YOUR FACE. Because usually if I could achieve that, then the rest of the day wasn't so bad. 

Then, THEN I became the whizzy shopper of the shielding, the runner, the weight lifter, the composer, the teacher over Zoom, hefting whatever torch I thought I had to hold, high above me to guide others. Because I felt I had too. Not in a OOOOooooo look at me, aren't I fucking marvellous. No. More, Nobody is in charge here, nobody is guiding anyone anymore, everyone is terrified, I cannot live like this. So, better to light one candle than stumble around in the dark? Right? We then had the USS Defiant in the delta quadrant series on Facebook (I reported as the USS Defiant, feeling a bit like COVID was like being lost in the Delta Quadrant), with various people calling themselves different ships and reporting in. It gave us ALL something to start with, and check in with others. It helped crack me out of my hermit mode. And feel, although faint, a connection humm between myself and others. 

Flash forward 3/4 months and I am back at work, which is the same, but everything is different. And my brain does its merry jig to re adjust to yet ANOTHER new routine. Which it rebels at, and makes me feel small and stupid and thick with brain fog. 

But I am busy, I am painting and playing, and chatting to people, and seeing folk and cooking and being like Yaaaaaay I got this. 

And then BLAMO. Anxiety central. There it is.  Sat there in its stupid spinny spinny chair with a white cat on its lap saying... Yes Kate - we've been expecting you. 

You see, the thing with keeping busy, like hectic busy, running that list constantly through you head of things that you need to do, is that eventually, everything catches up with you. Because it is just a distraction from you feeling the BIG emotions. The BIG things. Which is why you suddenly grind to a halt, and stand there, bewildered, stuttering, But I was doing SO WELL. 

Surge Capacity, Stress Limit, RAM overload, you can call it what you want. At some point, you've gotta stop and defrag your hard drive. And no one wants to do it. It is the least looked forward to task, ever. Some folk are seriously good at doing this. 

Me...Pffft don't be daft. 

So for the last month or two, I've really been struggling. Work has been fine, but that surge of artistic creativity I had has dissipated, leaving me wailing in its wake. (Ok I am typing here after about 8 years in the wilderness, so it hasn't gone that far, but STILL) I have just felt like I have lost my Mojo. Like i am suddenly less shiney than I was. Something has untethered itself, and I have literally NO clue from where. So I have been hauling myself around trying to force myself back into Exercising, Piano, Gaming, Art, and like trying to fit a cat in a cat carrier, it JUST WON'T GO. 

This whole Pandemic, has made me sit, and look, properly at me. At where I am in my own head space. And what I like and all that soul searching crappy shit that I thought I had done, but apparently we never stop doing. 

So. I am hitting reset. I am a proper 90s child. (Born in the 80s, grew up in the 90s) I am revisiting the stuff I loved. The music (Anyone else remember Donna Lewis, I love you always forever), Star Trek Voyager, Home cooked meals and home entertainment. Doing the DIY myself and not being annoyed if it isn't perfect. Tie Dying and make do with the clothes i have. Drinking through a straw. SCRUNCIES. Baggy trousers and MASSIVE Sweatshirts. Unisex Tees you tucked in, and bagged out at the front. Because when it comes down to it, I live in conflict, of wanting that Insta life, (knowing that it isn't attainable because it isn't real and I don't need the things) and wanting to be like 'The Good Life' and have goats and chickens in the back garden.  I am the generation that knows what life was like before the internet was everywhere, before Mobile phones were constant companions, and the generation that has seen the after. We live with one foot in each world. 

And I think, that is going to be my saving grace. I am old enough to remember my parents having dinner parties round their house instead of going out, and board games, card games and puzzles with Nan. But young enough to be able to recreate these things with the use of Technology. Via Zoom, Messenger or Whatsapp. To reach out and connect across the globe. To make my house, a home. 

And to do all of that, requires a happy, healthy and content me. Which, requires me, to take the pressure off. So I'm gonna listen to the 90s hits. I will do the dusting in my baggy trousers and my crop top. I will paint my house to the best of my abilities, and I will always chandler dance whenever i need to cheer myself up. We all feel like the power over our own lives has been stripped away. And for some people, by the void, it totally has. But for others, it perhaps is simply realising that when you feel it has all gone to cock, maybe we should just pick a different window in our house to look through. Because it's the same house, just a different view. 



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