Hey up folks.... It appears normal service has resumed.

Sleep, Sleep, merciful sleep, is keeping me company these nights it appears! Hurrah! *huggles sleep closer to her so it NEVER LEAVES again*

You know I believe I may have turned a corner! I think the recent storm has passed leaving me feeling much more in control of my own emotions/brain/body/movements/marbles again! I am not one for dramas. I had enough of that attending an all girls secondary school. *shudders* However for one who really loves a quiet life I appear to have become quite the magnet for them!

The problem is it turns me into some sort of raving lunatic. I've been a nightmare to be around and feel quite sheepish when looking back. (I know I know it’s been traumatic but you know!) Where I thought I was dealing well with it all, I can now clearly see I was merely flailing my arms around in a windmill like fashion. Where I thought there was an exterior of calm, there was, well the painting of scream.

They say the five most stressful things are:-

1. Death/Terminal

2. Job Change

3. Marriage

4. Divorce

5. Personal Injury

Currently I have number 1, 2 and 4 going on. Plus moving house and relocating. I've broken the back of the packing, and I am now rounding the corner onto the home straight. I can see my goal in the distance and I am running like a lopsided gazelle towards it. I am absolutely desperate to sort out and stabilise one part of my life. Its like perpetually falling down the side of a cliff reaching out for purchase and merely slapping the cliff face.

I am about 7 days away from slamming a much needed anchor into the ground. And once that is done, I can then set about creating 'my' semblance of normality. I will have a chance to rest on my laurels slightly and gather myself. Don't get me wrong I like a 'bit' of variety. I love that life is chocca FULL of things to do and experiences to be had. I usually prefer that they don't arrive all at the same time........

I think the problem has been that I have been trying to process and 'do' the whole thing at once. I've been asking the wrong questions. I've been talking to no-one really. I've failed to call my friends and shout, OI! LITTLE HELP HERE PEOPLE. Which I really should do. All i successfully managed to do was alienate myself at a time where I really needed people. And pretty much make those nearest and dearest to me doubt not only my sanity, but intellect as well. And in some cases, doubt my personality!!! Which I was starting to have serious reservations about myself....... *raises eyebrow*

I forgot how I 'tick'. I forgot how I work. I forgot the things I need to do to decompress this brain of mine, like solitude and music. But mainly, I forgot COMPLETELY about myself. Which is the most stupid arse thing on the planet to do because I am right here inside of me. Honestly *slaps forehead*

Having been in a relationship for the last 7 years which has required me to be at the bottom of the heap, and having had the 'what would I like' squashed out of me, I am redefining the selfish in me. I used to be inherently selfish. But not in a nasty way. In a very very Apsie way. Like forgetting to ask if someone wants tea when I am making it. (Because I assume that if they can hear the kettle boiling, and they have a tongue in their head they can say, Oooo can I have a cup....FFS) For things I wanted it was always a case of, 'Well it would be nice if.....' Or more disturbingly I was bought things that He 'knew I wanted.' Which most of the time, I didn't. REALLY didn't. The most refreshing thing I have now, (and this truly and simply means the world to me in ways I cannot express) is that I have someone who doesn't assume they know what I am thinking and therefore thinks they have Carte-Blanche to finish your sentences for you. I had lost count of the times I would be halfway through a sentence and it would be finished for me. Or even worse, I have a stress stutter, and he would happily be putting all the wrong words in, whilst I am still frantically trying to get the RIGHT word out!!!! This would then lead me to snap:-

Are you IN my head? *anger quite clear*

No...*sighing*

Then how the FUCK do you know what I'm going to say!!! *grinding of teeth*

You were stuttering. *Shocked look*

Yes. However your still NOT IN MY HEAD! *wildly gesticulating*

Oh the arrogance of you! I would want to shout, but couldn't because my tongue by this point has tied its self in a knot and I've swallowed it in the attempt to speak.

Well Balls to it all now. I earn MY own money. It is now being paid into a separate account so its MY bloody money. I will therefore spend it as I see fit. I will make tea for myself, and also buy my own fucking food and label the bloody stuff if I have to. (Cue flash back to Uni and finding my oranges had been microwaved). There is a distinct warmth to thinking of myself. And a rather different gait in the way I walk at the moment. I can feel the morph back to who I am. Which I know, actually pisses people off. But that's me. I have rough edges, I am quirky, I am a bugger to get along with sometimes. But look past the crappiness that is my social skills and you won't find a more loyal friend. Just don't piss her off.

In all this I'd forgotten that I am actually GOOD with money. I am also bloody good at driving. I'm actually pretty good at most things. And after all this time I had forgotten that I really do rock on a scale that is epic and he can frigging well Naff of and sort his own life out. He was only ever as good as he was because of me, he said. (insert plethora of exclamation marks if you so wish) Too bloody right. I wasn't his wife, I was his bloody mother!!!!

*Steps gingerly off soap box*

Yes. I am Woman. Get out of my way I need biscuits...............