Lets talk about sex......

T O Y S.........

Why do I do this to myself. I haven't a clue. But last night saw me sat down with a very dear friend of mine beginning a sex education class I wasn't aware I had missed! It started innocuously enough. (As these this often do with me) I mentioned that I had, at last, experience the vibes of the vibrator. To which i received a raised knowing eyebrow, and a 'Well Done. Welcome to the dark side......' followed by a smug curl of her lips and a deep throated chuckle. 'So. Got over our acute embarrassment of all things sexual have we?' She enquired. *Cue bright red face from me, an awkward cough, and a muttering of 'Something like that.........'*

Now, my wonderful friend is not some Madam, she doesn't make men cower at her feet and lick her boots. (Well maybe, on occasion.....) She just knows exactly what makes her tick, what she likes, and similarly, exactly what she doesn't like. She knows how to extrapolate what she requires from her bed mate, and makes damn sure she gets it. I am, even to this day, very in awe of her exceptional comfort level with all things sexual, and I have the utmost respect for this. The thing is. I'm not a complete prude. But I am completely inexperienced in the art of toys and the such like. They've always been a bit like Dandelion and Burdock. Alright for those who like, but not for me. However, after, *ahem* recent forays into such things, I decided that I HAD actually missed out on something, and to then end, as every good aspie will do, needed more information. And potentially - research.

So this is how it came to pass that I then found myself holed up on the sofa with her, coffee in hand, at 11pm last night, on the internet, being given the whistle stop tour of the world of toys.

And I've come to the conclusion that there are some strange things out there. Vibrators shaped like dolphins. (seriously?? I've never looked at a dolphin and thought, 'Oooo come here you and tickle my personal area.') Vibrators and Dildo's shaped like, well, what I can only describe as kitchen utensils - Ikea would be proud as they are in such bright inviting primary colours. A set of 'bullet' vibrators with cute faces of Penguins, Bears, and Puppies. Vibrating butterflies, which had the description underneath of this.......

'Feel the tender fluttering touch of the Butterfly Finger Massager... This superbly light and discreet vibrator is in the style and shape of a butterfly, whose fluttering caresses will have you fluttering orgasmically within seconds!'

Now. I've never looked at a butterfly in any other way apart from, Stay still whilst I take a photo of you. I've never thought of encouraging one to land on my nether-regions and 'flutter there'. Although after I read the above description the first thing I said was this....

'They've two flutterings in one sentence. That's appalling use of syntax.'

Which earnt me a slap round the head..... Apparently I'd missed the point. *raised eyebrow* But the list is endless!!!

• Bullets
• rabbits
• Jellies
• Vibes
• fing-o's (which sound like a weird confectionery item)
• butt plugs (cringe)
• love beads
• love eggs
• strap on's
• Vibrating tongue rings
• ticklers
• cuffs
• whips,strips and chains

All of which scrolled past my widen eyes at an alarming rate in a stream of multi-coloured, Multi-shaped, eye watering rainbow of silicon. I could have sworn I heard the faint *pop* of a processor go in my head. The thing that I do notice however, is that they are all extolling the virtues of the Rampant Rabbit.

• 'What's a Rampant Rabbit then when its a home!'
• She stops. Turns. And states (with a tone that implies I've missed something huge, and points dramatically at the screen)
• 'That (clicks on picture) is a rampant rabbit.'
• 'Riiiiight. Why are you looking at me like that?'
• 'Please tell me you've heard of the rampant rabbit?'
• 'All rabbits are rampant.'
• 'Not ACTUAL rabbits... *incredulous eyebrow* Do you live in a hole? Honestly for someone so bright, you're a fucking R-tard. The Rampant Rabbit is the best vibrator on the market. The Rampant Rabbit Thruster, so named because it thrusts, is amazing. I couldn't live without mine.'
• *Tumbleweed moment*
• 'Oh ffs. Wait here.' And off she trots. When she reappears she is carrying this blue monster of a thing, with bits and all-sorts on it. In fact it looks so technical it could probably de-frag its own hard-drive.
• 'Here. This is the best.'
• 'WTF?! Jesus! This thing is heavy! You could batter a burglar to death with that!'
• 'Well. That's not the first thing I thought would come into your head.' She mutters at me.

And I sit there holding this weighty thing and look quizzically at the buttons on it. So I start switching things on annnnnnnnd the thing goes MENTAL. We've got thrusting, beads turning, the rabbit thing at the front is twitching like a frog attached to the mains, and you press the ultra button and the thing takes off like a rampaging wasp on crack. And its wiiiiiiiiide. I mean, I can't actually wrap my hand round it and get my fingers to touch. To me, it looks painful. I quickly turn all the buttons off and set it down before the thing turns into a rocket and launches into space.

'Can we look at something a little, "less" intimidating? Please? Like a puppy. Or a book?'

And suddenly I'm staring at a 10inch black strap on dangling from the front of porn-star looking woman with her finger in her mouth.

'Dear GOD! NO NO NO! I do not want to look like a pornographic version of DONKEY - KONG!!!!' (cue cackling laughter from friend.) And so we dive (excuse the pun) into the world of strap ons and the harness's that go with them. We have velvet, pom pom's (not on your life), Pink Fluffy harness's, purple, red, leather, no-leather, PVC, Non - PVC and some that look so complicated, that by the time I would have finished hooking myself up to it, the moment would have passed and the GF would have bimbled off to do something more interesting, leaving me stood there, with my leg probably strapped to the side of my head. There was one, which on closer inspection, looked a little like the gun holsters that Lara Croft wears. That I could cope with. Practical, Logical and very very non-complicated. After flicking through what felt like p a g e s of things designed to skewer you from pole to pole we finally settled on some items that A) didn't scare the crap out of me and B) didn't look remotely like a replica penis.

'Do you reckon you'll actually order these?' she enquires, after calmly closing the laptop lid on the world of sex toys.

I simply smiled coquettishly and said......'what do you think?'

(Yes. If you must know, her reply was. Probably not. But at least this time you kept you're eyes open!)