Oh the things women do....

I'm not talking about the mental things we do sometimes to impress someone we're attracted too. Or some of the outfits I have seen women squeeze themselves into. (Although that probably deserves its own section to be fair) I'm talking about putting up with womanly things. I.E. the dreaded period.....If you're a bloke, I would stop here.

Now, I am one of the unfortunate folk who tend to suffer dreadfully each time Aunt Flo comes to visit. I'm reduced to an incoherent, gibbering, snivelling wreck who wails at RSPCA adverts and has, on occasion, tried to pinion my partner to the wall with a spoon. (See here for Blog)  I become like a walking zombie so doped up on painkillers it isn't unusual to find me in a corner painting my thumb with Tipp-Ex. Nowadays there's BUNCH of products on the market that can help. I've been around the block with several doctors on this topic.....

• 'Its one of those things.' they said.
• 'You'll just have to deal with it.' Another said.  
• In fact I had one doctor who said, 'oh, that. well they don't hurt that much.' 
• *Flails arms wildly* Listen, bloke.  no womb, no opinion.....

The only solution they could all agree on was to have a baby. It was the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Well yes, I'll get right on that. You know I'll nip down the shops, buy a turkey baster, assault a random guy in an alleyway for the 'other' things you need, have a sprog and then my periods will be better! GREAT. Then what would you like me to do with said child after it has fixed my periods?? Oh. Raise it. You mean the fact that I don't want children isn't an issue.....*headesk* VETO...

So various pain killers, minor operations (and irritations) later; the medical world moves on till it finally agrees that this is stupid and the solution for me could be the mirina coil. Yippee! On paper it looks like the perfect solution.It sits there out of the way slowly releasing progesterone and stopping the periods altogether. Fantastic. Where do I sign up.........

I spoke to the doctor about it, she went through all the advice bits,  it could fall out,  It could perforate your womb, your periods may be a bit all over the place, blah blah blah. None of this even went in as I was so focused on the end goal. Pain free each month for up to 5 years, woo hoo. She started talking about the contraceptive side of things and I told her not too worry. Being gay it's not something I have to concern myself about. If I did fall pregnant (?) then obviously I wasn't paying close enough attention during the sex part and my other half and I would have to have a conversation along the lines of, 'so when did YOU grow a penis.......*ahem*'

So, after taking some diazepam to ease the nerves and some painkillers, the lovely GF and I head for doctors. She has accompanied me for moral support and probably a little bit out of curiosity. The joys of being with someone in the medical profession.....

Once there I am divested of my bottom bits and hop onto the couch to assume the position that all of us women love. Yes the one which requires you to check your dignity at the door. 'Now, just relax.' Says the doctor. Uh Huh, because it's REAL easy to do that when you're Y shaped and drafty with your socks on. 

To set the scene, I have no pants, no trousers, my socks on and legs akimbo,  I have a nurse holding on to my left leg, my GF has me in some sort of wrestling hug and the doctor is down the south end smiling away at me.   She now brings out the speculum (and I remind myself not to laugh or sneeze). First she goes with plastic, then changes her mind and decides that we need to switch to the metal one, which always reminds me of a car jack. (same principle really......)

Then doctor starts getting the necessary bits. The nurse meanwhile has increased her vice like clamp on my left leg, which she has now slung over her should and doing a weird braced hug thing. There's a lot of crinkling and rustling and now I'm feeling rather chilly.....

'Now, this is the nippy bit.' The doctor states.

I look up and its the first time I see what she is about to put into my womb.

'Oh my god!' I hiss to the GF 'She's going to harpoon me!!'

'What???' 

'LOOK AT IT!' I say through clenched teeth. 'It looks like a bloody harpoon gun!' The rod, is eyewateringly long.

'Shhhhhh, it's fine' She says

'That's easy for you to say! Have you seen the size of that rod?? Look at it?! How is that fine!' I shoot back at her.

Honestly, if the doctor had stepped back, aimed, and fired, I wouldn't have been surprised.

Whilst my brain is processing this, fear has kicked in and I've gone completely rigid. The nurse by this point is stroking my thigh in an effort to calm me down but the circulation to my left foot has stopped because her grip is so tight. And then I find out why. The doctor does her thing. My leg twitches violently, I crush my GF's hand to smithereens and my face has screwed itself up so tightly that my eyes have disappeared. 

'NIP MY ARSE!!' I screech between gritted teeth.

It was like being violently kicked in the cervix. IF I hadn't been crying before, I was wailing now. 

The Doctor is pretending to be a car mechanic, the nurse is hugging my leg and patting it, the GF can't let go of my hand because its been pressure fused to mine, and by this point I am unashamedly sobbing. Just when I think I can't stand it anymore, the doctor says very quietly...

'Oh...' - Alarmed I raise my head from the pillow to eyeball the doctor.

'Oh? What do you mean OH?' 

'It fell out'

My eyebrows shoot upwards as I start stammering to the GF 'W-w-what fell out? What the hell fell out!!!!'  

The GF looks at me as much to say, how the hell should I know....

'The coil did' the doctor replies looking at me oddly. 

'OH my god! I thought you meant my womb!' and with that I drop my head back onto the pillow and exhale.

Apparently I have a very small womb. Which she says makes sense as I've not used it for much. 

More rustling, the harpoon is loaded again and by this point I'm ready to vault off the table, with or without my knickers. But, I stay put and hold my breath until what feels like an eternity later....

'Annnnnnnnd we're done.' the doctor declares, snapping off her gloves and giving me my dignity back. The nurse finally allows me to have my leg back, which now doesn't feel like it belongs to me, the GF winces as the blood flow returns to her (possibly) broken fingers and I'm given a pat on the thigh and told I did really well. 

Was it worth it? In short, no. Three days later I'm back at the surgery because the bloody thing has fallen out of place and wedged itself, uncomfortably, somewhere 'in there'. Taking it out, for the record, is MUCH quicker than putting it in. So before I know it, it's over and done with and I am wiggling back into my jeans as fast as humanly possible before bolting from the surgery. 

I am pleased I tried it. And for some women it is the absolute answer to their problems. For me, clearly it's a no! So I opted for the injection, and haven't looked back since!

*Spoiler alert - Jag was terrible - gone au natural*