Music and Mumblings

Hi fellow Neurodivergent peeps! Now, there are a lot of insta reels recently on ADHD/ASD minds, specifically around music. You know the -  'play this piece of music with headphones and see what it does to you - you'll thank me' type situation.

Currently it has been suggested that repeating pattern music is soothing for adhd/asd minds. HOWEVER, as with any spectrum we all have a different tonal tolerance, and pattern tolerance and I am curious how other people find these pieces that reels has been suggesting. FYI I have linked the music I am talking about in the blog, and the link will open on another tab for you. 

2020...The Story so Far?

Well 2020 has sucked hasn't it?

We started off with Australia on Fire, and then someone ate a bat, the world shut down, multiple countries shit themselves at the prospect of TOO MANY post apocalyptic novels coming true, and we all went into lockdown. 

Heart and Home

Relationships

They are a funny old thing aren't they.

The GF and I were chatting yesterday, as we wandered around the supermarket. About many things. But mostly about how we are now. This lovely familiar existence we have carved out for ourselves.

Me:- Would you want to go back?
GF:- To the beginning...... Hmm. No.
Me:- Right there with you...

That last goodbye......

Losing someone. Jeebus. Doesn't matter how old or young they are, the impact is that of a meteorite smashing into your once humdrum life at a zillion miles per hour. And don't 'good innings' me or I might slap you.

The Stupidity Race

Is there a race that I am unaware of? Did I miss a memo again?

Is there some sort of universal race towards seeing juuuuuust how stupid/thick/ignorant you can be?

Because recently, (and this is all down to social media) I have been inundated with just how stupid folk are. And I don't mean in a 'oh you, walking into the door frame for the umpteenth time' kinda way. I mean in a 'painting your thumb with lighter fluid and then striking a match' kinda way. Like the Darwin awards but on an everyday scale.

I'm sorry for the pen I stabbed into your eye....

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Headesk – kick bin – scream in car – WAIL – growl at people – ARGH – growl – swear – ARGH – prowl round office – snap at EVERYONE – argh – cry wildly – growl – mutter – swear – punch wall

If any of you have done this particular activity before you may know exactly where I am coming from.

Yes. At the moment I have given up smoking. And I say at the moment with good fecking reason.

I am without doubt, a grumpy, arsey, stressed out thundering junkie coming off of what feels like a massive high. I am hating EVERY moment of this. And the normal nice lovely person that I am has moved out, and the HULK has moved in. I swear there is a faint tinge of green about me.

I want a FAG I WANT A FAG I WANT A FAG!!!!! So badly. I can imagine it. Oh how I can imagine it. And I swear if one more person who hasn't smoked ever, tells me - oh it's not that bad? - I will hurt them. Viciously, and with great glee! (SEE! SEE! See what I mean?? *flails arms about* I am worried about me!)

Sci-Fi. Dear Sci-fi....

You know. We are so influenced by television. And by life around us.

People, places. Things, wants needs in general.

Genres upon genres exist in the televised world., allowing us to peak into the unknown, experience the grandeur, and the wonder. Expand on the mysterious and the taboo. To question, to think, to pick apart, to escape.

Ah to escape. To become immersed in universes so vast, so unquantifiable, that they literally take us on a journey across an expanse so wide, that we are breathless and left wanting much more. This is the world of Sci-Fi.

Oh the things women do....

I'm not talking about the mental things we do sometimes to impress someone we're attracted too. Or some of the outfits I have seen women squeeze themselves into. (Although that probably deserves its own section to be fair) I'm talking about putting up with womanly things. I.E. the dreaded period.....If you're a bloke, I would stop here.

Bra-Vissimo!!!

Do you know what I like? Comfort. I like to be comfortable in what I am wearing. Be it jeans, jumpers, boots or coats, I like to feel comfortable. Even in knickers and bras.

The bra. Now here is a device that has undergone a transformation over the years. I've been living in sports bras and non wired bras for about 3 years due to a very inconveniently placed breast tumour. Don't worry, all is well. It was removed last year and was benign. Apparently I could grow another one back. Depends on what my breast feels like doing.  

The LGBT debate.....

We are such a cyclic species. Especially when it comes to things that bug us. People will always have a gripe about something. Poles taking our jobs, mixed marriages, religion, politics..... you name it, we will have a very formative opinion on it. At the moment it seems that the same sex marriage is once again in the cross hairs with the recent consultations that have taken place bringing it to the forefront of complaintsville. 

Gee Whizz, its been YEARS..... Gosh, how are you? *Mutter mutter*

Sometimes its easy to chuck the towel in isn’t it? Walk away. Turn your back. Mooch off into the sunset. Letting someone down is unbelievably simple. You stop extending out your hands and watch as they fall down in front of you. You pack up all those memories you shared and store them neatly in a box in your brain and think, well, it was bound to happen. Maybe your mind drifts to them every now and again and for a moment you mourn what you have lost. But calling them would be too awkward. Best to let it lie. Best to let them go. 

Waxing a lyrical or bedazzling Vajazzling?

I know I am probably hopping on the back of a long since sailed ship here but........ really??????Since WHEN did it become the craze to stick crystals on your FOOF?!?!?

*sound of head dropping onto desk*

First there was just your normal hairy foof.Then there was all manner of waxing, shaving, shaping, pruning, preening, conditioning...Then dying it????Now there are crystals!!. Honestly. I didn't realise that one's foof had to have a fashion sense?!

Don't worry I'll get that for you.......ARRRRRRRRRRRGH!

Have you ever had one of those moments, where you have just reacted on pure fear driven instinct? You know, those times where the 'edit' function on the video recorder of life fails because the button is all jammed up with childhood irrationality and the processor is completely preoccupied with extracting you from the life or death situation *ahem* you find yourself in? Well, this is exactly where I found myself this morning. And I sat pondering this whilst on the bed, with just a vest top on and a cold compress on my rapidly darkening bruised knee. I didn't have to ponder for long.

I'm a Eeeeeeeeeeeediot. And a fecking large one at that.

Ambling Much.....

I think I'm ambling. Prevaricating. Procrastinating. Putting-off. Presuming. Pausing. Pondering. And perhaps a plethora of other P's that don't spring to mind right now. I'm limbo'd. Frozen. Suspended even. In a fog. That is perhaps a more accurate description right now. In a fog. A fug. If you like. Foggy Fuggyness. Like the scene in the Matrix where Neo is in a white room with only Morpheus for company. The world feels to bright and too dull at the same time. Like I only have to tap myself softly and I'll bruise. I feel ridiculously under-confident,stupid and dense, lonely, isolated, lost, fragile and all to hyper aware of myself at the same time. My voice, my laugh, my movements. I look at my reflection and feel like there is a stranger residing in my face. It feels like the candle has been snuffed out. That I am not 'alight' just a fading ember.

*sigh* How depressing is THAT. *head - meet desk*

Death.... its a funny old game.

Death. Its one of those things that's really final. No more to pass go, collect £200. No Do Over's. No come backs, no final countdown. Its pretty much MORE the end, than finding you've got to the bottom of a packet of Cadbury's clusters. And the emotional fall out is pretty heavy as well. (The death not the clusters)

And this is where I find myself sitting. A week on from the passing of my wonderfully brave father who lost his battle to lung and brain cancer on the 8th October at 8:12am Saturday morning. He is gone. Completely. Everything that made him walk, talk, tick and move has been removed from this earth in the short space of a last exhale. And it is the most painful shockingly sad thing I've experienced to date. However. We become so entrenched in the death of someone, so locked into that final moment or moments leading up to it that we seemingly forget the actual life that person led. The fun the laughter, the mad mad moments. Believe it or not it was writing my fathers eulogy that reminded me of this fact. My Father was Fucking funny. Don't get me wrong, he could be a cantankerous old badger who could be so momentously grumpy you would be hard pushed to not want to kick him in the knackers. H A R D........ And sometimes he created moments where you would genuinely want to suffocate him with a pillow. He had a temper that could light a rocket, and an arse that Sadam himself would have wanted to patent and use against us.

Lets talk about sex......

T O Y S.........

Why do I do this to myself. I haven't a clue. But last night saw me sat down with a very dear friend of mine beginning a sex education class I wasn't aware I had missed! It started innocuously enough. (As these this often do with me) I mentioned that I had, at last, experience the vibes of the vibrator. To which i received a raised knowing eyebrow, and a 'Well Done. Welcome to the dark side......' followed by a smug curl of her lips and a deep throated chuckle. 'So. Got over our acute embarrassment of all things sexual have we?' She enquired. *Cue bright red face from me, an awkward cough, and a muttering of 'Something like that.........'*

Travel-lodges...

Wow. Wow and Wow.

Let me set the scene for you. It’s about 6:30pmish on a Thursday I’m in a travel lodge in west Edinburgh. I've been here for the last few days and I’ve seen a fair few things in this bar/lobby/restaurant/cafe.

• Screaming children - (Ta for that)
• Hushed arguments between couples. (do speak up, I want to know why he’s never getting any again)
• The token dyke. (Oh wait, that’s me)
• And a couple of what I am sure were illicit meetings between people.......(fevered glances, and jumping when your phone goes off is a giveaway mate....)

What you don’t expect to see is what appears to be Victoria Beckham’s Mum sitting punch drunk at the bar in 6 inch stiletto’s with shopping bags from Harvey Nicks and AKA scattered round her, wailing and sobbing with large dark shades on.

Where do we get them from………….

Right. So most people have heard about Dad through the grapevine that weaves its way around my work place. A lot of people have spun platitudes. Some have simply been honest and said, ‘I don’t know what to say’. These people I like muchly. The ones I really love are the ones who say.’ Jesus Kate, that’s a big bag of wank right there.’ I don’t need you to make it better. I need you to agree its shit. And Crap and that there is an evil presence in the world that has aligned its forces against me and we must take up arms against it with an Army of Ninja Penguins and assorted snacks/chocolate/cider/beer and GUNS. Many many guns.

However SOME people tend to veer sharply to the Looney side. There is a lady in filing; we will call her Doris for this. She is a very lovely, but a very weird, older lady. She’s one of those that always has a tissue about her, and smells vaguely of TCP and mint. However, she may look meek and a bit wet, but FUCK ME, don’t piss her off. She’s misleading that one……..Anyway, I'm over there one day and the conversation goes a bit like this.

Hey up folks.... It appears normal service has resumed.

Sleep, Sleep, merciful sleep, is keeping me company these nights it appears! Hurrah! *huggles sleep closer to her so it NEVER LEAVES again*

You know I believe I may have turned a corner! I think the recent storm has passed leaving me feeling much more in control of my own emotions/brain/body/movements/marbles again! I am not one for dramas. I had enough of that attending an all girls secondary school. *shudders* However for one who really loves a quiet life I appear to have become quite the magnet for them!

The problem is it turns me into some sort of raving lunatic. I've been a nightmare to be around and feel quite sheepish when looking back. (I know I know it’s been traumatic but you know!) Where I thought I was dealing well with it all, I can now clearly see I was merely flailing my arms around in a windmill like fashion. Where I thought there was an exterior of calm, there was, well the painting of scream.

What's the story morning glory, the scales fall from my eyes.....

I slept! I actually slept. The road to this blissful unconsciousness last night was possibly the longest, bumpiest, volatile one I've ever taken for a good nights sleep. But it was sleep.

It started of innocuous enough. (Doesn't it always) with arriving home after yesterdays duel with crying. (to cry or not to cry was the question) I had asked soon-to-be-ex-hub if he could possibly give me a hand this week, as its my last week in the house and at work, and that i was a little, well, overwhelmed. Sure. He says. He then proceeds to tell me that he won't be there all night Monday, is out Tuesday, and Wednesday but can be around Thursday. My retort was, well that's a fat lot of fucking good to me! I've got a week left and you not fucking well here at all! Yer selfish bastard of a boy. And then, in true toy throwing fashion, I had what can only be described as a Meltdown. In fact, I melted so spectacularly that I was genuinely concerned that I was after having some sort of nervous breakdown. (More like a breakthrough I would guess)