Contrary to recent popular belief, I actually do have a very good grasp of the English language. I can create long cohesive sentences and at one point was a student in syntax myself. I understand that regional dialect affects syntax and that accents have an affect on diction. So therefore, why is it that I am unable to send a fracking text without auto correct on my IPhone turning me into a gibbering wreck? Worse. Making me look like a 15 year old obsessed with the word penis?!?!?
I really do believe that the auto correct function on my IPhone has it in for me this week. To the point where i am perhaps its wench. Unable to use my own fully functioning brain, as i yet again, watch the text zoom off into the ether, with substitute words involved. For example. I replied to a friend who had asked me if i was cold due to the air con being on. I went to say. No. Just pure cold.
Auto correct steps in, and i send her a text saying.
No, just pure come.
As the text zoomed off, i was left sitting there with my eyebrows slowly crawling into my hairline......
The problem is, that in our hast to reply to people. We are often spelling words incorrectly. And auto correct feels its it duty to step in and pre-populate the nearest correct word. The only problem with that, is that it appears that the auto correct programmers at Apple are a bunch of teenage perverts, obsessed with boobies, butt cracks and fannies. I have lost count of the amount of times i have had to remove the word 'Vag' from text messages, and for the last time, my Mum is not and never has been a Nun.
We now even have a website where the wonders of auto correct can be seen for all its fucked up glory. www.damnyouautocorrect.com if you feel the need for a proper giggle, please visit. But don't try and consume food or liquid whilst reading the website. You will end up with indigestion, or hiccups. Or both. I have had some corkers this week. Pennies has been changed to Lemnos, Cold to Come and duvet hogger to Ducer Higher........
I have accidentally asked someone to get something out of my Vag (I meant bag, this is a common IPhone error).
Wondered if I have become a Harm It (I meant hermit).
I have suggest that Hensleeps in the sofa. (It was meant to say, he sleeps on the sofa.)
I've been on route'nb. (I meant on Route.)
In fact there have been some moments where I have then tried to correct said error by sending another text message, only to have the SAME OFFENCE REPEATED again!!! and sometimes AGAIN!
And it doesn't stop there. Because you can update your twitter from your IPhone, these monumentally inappropriate word pairings can be jettisoned onto the internet for the whole world to see how perverse your mind really is. Fortunately I am not alone, it seems the same affliction is tripping people up left right and centre. My most recent 'forehead meet desk' moment, was this. In reply to someone who was making a joke about someone having an addiction to something (Don't be offended it wasn't anything horrific) I replied with this.
'Look, I can't help being addicted to Window Licking....' Now, what was ACTUALLY posted on twitter was this.
'Look, I can't help being addicted to WIDOW licking.....'
By the time I had realised that there was an 'N' sorely missing from the sentence, so many people had seen it, that it wasn't worth deleting.
If nothing else, it does make the other person receiving the message chuckle. But sometimes it can be wildly inappropriate, especially when you are replying to your boss or your Mum. I have replied to my Boss on more than one occasion saying I will 'Loom' someone up. (Substitute for look). Thank GOD I have never asked my Mum or Boss to check my Vag for something, or suggested that they use a Penis instead of a Pen...... (Penis is the substitute for mis-spelt Pencil). I have actually told my Mum 'Bug Hugs' instead of 'big hugs' and that I 'lube her' instead of 'Love her' which apparently caused no end of titillation from her, and more mirth after she had shown my Dad.
So in closing, if you want to save some Lemnos, you could bunk with a room mate you've loomed up, but make sure they're not a Ducer Higher. You could get Come. If you are bunking with your room mate, make sure they don't get into your Vag because they could steal your Penis.
(The translation of this is. If you want to save some pennies, you could bunk with a room mated you've looked up, but make sure they're not a duvet hogger. You could get cold. If you are bunking with your room mate, make sure they don't get into your bag, because they could steal your pencil.)
Bugs Hugs everyone, And remember, I lube you all....... xoxoxox
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