I am a rebel.....but only at the weekend.....

I don't believe it.

I really don't

.

I am shocked and truly horrified.

Jaw dropping, head buzzing, eyes wide shock...... I have found my.............. first ..................grey ......................hair................

Well, actually, i found three of the little buggers. They had gathered together for protection. Like some sort of collective. They thought, Safety in Numbers. I thought - none will be spared. So out they came and they feel COMPLETELY different. Almost synthetic. Like, um, fishing line. Mine are apparently almost white/see through. So that's it. That's how its gonna be is it? I see I'm on that road now with little choice. I mean, i turned 30 a MONTH ago. Next i may wake up to find my boobs keeping my toes warm.......and that i suddenly have the urge to eat prunes. Pass the anti-wrinkle cream, and i will begin the face planting process.......... So. With this in mind I have decided to dye my hair. Well, not the whole head. Just a flash of colour. So grasping the nettle, I handed my head of hair to my friend and said, quite brazenly. Just do it. Its only hair........ (cue some swelling dark music of some sort...... Linkin' Park's 'In the End' maybe....)

Now let me just explain something. I am a conformist in someways. A little Monica from friends. I fold towels in a certain way, and all the drawers in my bedroom have to be shut before i can sleep. I can be very anally-retentive, and HATE having my morning routine disrupted. I am a square geek in a round hole. I like breaking the mould, but in a very diplomatic, behind the scenes way. Only those nearest to me know that I swing both ways, (and maybe more one way than the other) and am very pro gay equalities and such like. And also very sisterhood of women. And only those nearest and dearest know that i can be a little bit Goth on the inside only. And only in my own home! So for me to turn around and say, its only hair, made me feel, well like a rebel really. I never did the whole acting out as a teenager. And the thought about being a 'bad' girl terrified me. I found the whole thing tantalisingly enticing, but couldn't bring myself to do it.

So when I made this sweeping statement to my friend who has known me for a decade, she almost dropped the hair dye. She just sat there, with her eyebrows slowly crawling up her forehead before stuttering, 'Are you sure?', whilst i looking completely non-plussed just said. 'Yeah, why not. Its only hair.......' So, We dispatched the dye to the hair, waited the appropriate amount of time, and then rinsed. With me being all nonchalant outwardly whilst bricking it inwardly. I love it. Its subtle enough that only a few people have noticed, but enough for my mum to say i looked like i had witches hair...... which made me laugh till i almost peed...... And any grey that may have survived the grey-i-cide will have been dispatched a long with it.

We are here for a brief Sneeze of time. (Russel Howard said this once) And with the Cancer rampaging around my family, and a Dad who has taken up smoking again despite having lung Cancer, it does make you think. I know for some of you, your reading it thinking.... 'Its Hair. Big Whoop. What's the big deal.' That's the point. Its not. Its nothing. Its not even a blip on the radar of life. But for me? Its about realising, that who i am, what i feel like doing, or being, is down to me isn't it? What i want from my life and what i get out of it is down to me. I don't want to look back and think. Well it was OK. I had a nice trot through life. It was a bit niggly in the middle, but It was alright. I don't want to sit there and say, I wish i had.....

But i don't want to set the sky on fire and blow myself up in the process because i tried to use a toaster and a microwave oven to create a rip in the time space continuum. I want to look back and see the friends, the love, the good, the bad, the excitement, the sadness, the loss and success. I want to see the smiles, the hand holding, the cheering and the sometimes horror. I want to know that i loved someone with every fibre of who i am. That i stood up to be counted for something i believed in, rightly or wrongly. That i didn't let a friend fall and hit concrete. That i gave someone shelter when they needed it, and that i gave an aging cat a home. That i went and got that tattoo i always wanted, that i made it to New York and Canada. I don't need to aim to make a difference in the world as a whole. I am not a glory hunter.

I just want to look back and know that i lived. Today it is so easy to exist. To move from one day to the next without thought or acknowledgement. To get weighed down in the mundane. To not see the person in front of us and how wonderul or awful they are. To take for granted people we know and love, and things we have. To waste so much because in our lives today we have so much. I am not saying you need to give up everything and go live in a field. Or stop to appreciate every tiny flower you pass. We still have to survive today, and that normally means going to work and earning the pennies. You don't have to suddenly jack in your job and become an anarchist.

I just think that

we sometimes need to stop. See the sky. Feel the rain. And perhaps stop trying to hurl ourselves so quickly from one day to the next. Try not to get so tangled up in the you did, she did, he did's. Hold hands after an arguement. Hug your parents. Write to your friends.

Life is a journey....... Live it.